Cruz Into The Losers Circle

Eric Renderking Fisk - April 20th, 2011 

By the time you’re reading this, you’ll have at least a few hours on your own to digest why Cruz dropped out of the race and what it’ll mean for the rest of the country since Donald Trump has a ‘clear path’ for victory to the Republican Convention. What happens there is anyone’s guess, and my guess about the upcoming conventions is fodder for another article, rant grist for the rant mill, as it were.

Here are the factors I’ve come up with that explain Ted Cruz’s ultimate failure in getting the GOP Nomination in the epic Battle Royale this November against The Bern or The Hag.

Five: Ted Cruz and Jerking Off.

I now hate Ted Cruz with a passion because I have to talk about him and the topic of masterbation! The notion that I have to include Ted Cruz’s thoughts on masturbation in a rant on The Fedora Chronicles makes me feel a little sick inside. I would literally rather take a ‘Silkwood Shower’ than talk about this issue on my website.

Ted Cruz actually let his opinions known to the rest of the world about the topic of touching one’s self. He’s actually quoted as saying that “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”

Let that sink in for a second. Looking at other naked people while touching yourself inappropriately would become an act of rebellion against a Cruz Administration. Beating off as an act of rebellion?

Let me pound out this nugget of truth here – if you read the stories on this issue, you’ll realize that Ted Cruz and his sycophantic followers in his home state of Texas believes it should be legal to buy all the guns you want, but not a dildo or fleshlight… cause they believe that’s just wrong?

Ted Cruz's religion says it's not OK for YOU to abuse yourself just highlights why Pro-Choicers hate the GOP in issues that revolve around 'her body, her choice' and imposing his religion on someone else's body scores points for pro-lifers.

I’m a libertarian and whenever someone says I can’t do something like read a specific book, watch a specific movie, listen to a specific type of music, or buy a specific product only makes me want to defy you more. I might actually buy a vibrator and send it to Ted Cruz’s office… I dare the Department of Homeland Security to question me about THAT one and keep a straight face.

Which brings be to number four…

Four: Likeability

Whether you like it or not folks, likability is a major factor. Any candidate could have the greatest ideas, come from the highest moral ground, and surround themselves with the best and brightest… but if that candidate is unlikable and that person’s voice grates on your nerves each time they speak they aren’t going to get elected.

Ted Cruz is that whiny bastard you knew in High School that constantly complained about “fair” and how it’s unfair that the popular kids get this, the jocks get that, and the nerds get the crumbs. [With that going for him, you would have thought I was running for President!] Everything Ted Cruz ever said sounds like a whine, the mere tone of his voice made it sound that every thought or view he had wasn’t a proclamation but a grievance.

Three: What was Ted Cruz actually for? – That’s not even a rhetorical question; what was Ted Cruz for? What was he going to do when he’s in office (on this list, the one thing he was actually for is ‘Number One’ in my count-down…) If this whiner became President, what was he going to actually do for the economy? What was he going to do to make the country better in 2017 and beyond?

Everything we know about Ted Cruz and his imaginary Presidency is what he was against. I’m hard pressed to tell you what he was for and he fell into the same trap as every Democrat who ran for President since 2000. Whether it was John Kerry in 2004 or Barack Obama in 2008, and all the other candidates in those primaries in between… they were all running against George W. Bush and Dick Cheney's legacy. The major difference between all of those primary candidates and Obama is that Obama also included a list of things he said he wanted to do. Obama had some optimism. You know… hope and change?

Ted Cruz had no optimism in his campaign.

Two: Running Against Donald Trump!

This is a short one; Ted Cruz and every other candidate had one thing in common, they were up against the juggernaut of Trump’s personality. The Mega-Mogul from NYC knows how to capture the attention on any stage he’s on, and he stole the oxygen from everyone he shared a stage during the Primary Debates.

One: Theocracy.

Here the rant comes full-circle jerk - someone's religion being emposed by others through politics.

The ONE thing we know Ted Cruz is actually for is something that scares average voters off, and that’s the notion of turning America into a “Democratic Theocracy,” or turning America back into a puritanical state. OK, we get it… religion is really important to Ted, but the problem with his entire thesis of turning America ‘back into a Christian State’ and returning America back to ‘Traditional Values’ is often taken as Neo-Con code for something different. The average American voter hears what he’s saying and it translates into visions of what American used to be where segregation and even slavery was legal, women were second-class citizens who must submit to her husband while remaining barefoot, pregnant and stuck in the kitchen, and your pastor and minister had more sway in local politics than the elected officials.

Whether or not you believe that or not doesn’t matter. You might think that returning The United States to a “God First” Nation is a good thing and won’t bring back the negative things from the past; it doesn’t matter. The vast majority of people in the United States believe you can’t have a true ‘One Nation Under God’ translates into turning the clock back a few decades and all the negative aspects of ‘the good ole’ days’ that will come with it.

Ted Cruz frightened voters for all the reasons why they’re scared of groups like The Taliban, ISIS, The Branch Davidian Cult, Jonestown, Trekkies, Nazi’s, Khmer Rouge, and especially the Klu Klux Klan. We don’t mind so much that you have faith or religion and you adhere to your beliefs, we get really concerned when your inner-monologue convinces you to impose your strict religious beliefs on others. It’s OK to believe in The Bible until you believe in an interpretation of The Bible that says it’s OK to do horrible things to ‘Glorify God’ with my tax dollars or with my son’s life on some Holy Crusade.

The minute Ted Cruz said he’s a Christian first and an American second means that he believes in the separation of Chruch and State the same way I believe in The Tooth Fairy. He disqualified himself when he made his ridiculous proclamations and set forth to turn the President’s podium into a pastor's pulpit.