The Secret Lair...

Jonathan Polkay - February 5th, 2007 Bookmark and Share

Marty Walsh's column was -  unavailable again due to unknown circumstances (we mean it this time) but we have a transcript from his phone call to his landlord (Marty's side has been edited for profanity.)

Mr. Hoffman: Woman, are you in the bathroom with the phone?

The Wife: Yes, I am, dear- is it an emergency?

Mr. Hoffman: YES, it is an emergency! I need the facilities NOW!

The Wife: I'm almost finished- oops, there's a call coming in. You know, I was just speaking to Clarice, and she said-

Mr. Hoffman: Who's on the line?

The Wife: Why, I am!

Mr. Hoffman: Not YOU! The CALL! WHO is on the LINE?

The Wife: Oh, your sister Clarice! Don't tell me you don't remember your own sis-


The Wife: You don't have to yell! Oh, it's your tenant again! Mr. Walsh!

Mr. Hoffman: The one with the humor column? The only thing that's funny about it is where he's hidden it.

The Wife: He says he's finished with that rat-trap of an apartment of yours.

Mr. Hoffman: But his lease isn't up yet!

The Wife: (listening) He says he's not in a position to care- he's on the run from the authorities.

Mr. Hoffman: Well, we all have skeletons in our closet-

The Wife: Dear, are we in trouble for something? You've never said a word about it!

Mr. Hoffman: Are you DONE in there yet?

The Wife: Now, let's not change the subject, dear. You know, I still don't know why you won't let me in the basement-

Mr. Hoffman: Are you DONE? This is GETTING SERIOUS! (hops from one foot to the other)

The Wife: (to phone) What did you do?

Mr. Hoffman: Good Lord, don't let me soil myself. It's been years, and these are my good trousers!

The Wife: He says he's innocent.

Mr. Hoffman: HA! Aren't we all?

The Wife: He says his roommate was spamming internet forums, and he went a little too far. Apparently youíre not supposed to spam government websites; they donít like that very much.

Mr. Hoffman: Thatís putting it mildly, woman. Are you finished yet?

The Wife: Why, no, Iím still talking to Mr. Walsh-


The Wife: You donít have to yell.

Mr. Hoffman: If these trousers are ruined, you will pay. You will die hideously-

The Wife: Oh, and he wants to know if he can get his deposit back.

Mr. Hoffman: Absolutely not! He has violated a contract, and in the old country, when you did that you were stuffed inside a large-

The Wife: He says weíll call it square.

Mr. Hoffman: -chicken costume and pelted with grapefruit- er, WHAT?

The Wife: He says you and he are even.


The Wife: He says you can cram it, because you arenít going to find him anyway.

Mr. Hoffman: Oh, a challenge, eh? They donít call me ďthe most Powerful LandlordĒ for nothing!

The Wife: Dear, they donít call you that-

Mr. Hoffman: Woman, I- OOPS, thatís the end of these trousers!  Thatís IT! The hunt has begun! Summon my henchmen, woman. Never mind, Iíll do it myselfÖafter I change clothes!

To be continued! Bookmark and Share


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