Unwanted Help

Jonathan Polkay - November 11th, 2006 Bookmark and Share

I must apologize for my absence these past few months... um, in fact I'm not sure where to begin- so I'll start where I left off...

...trying to write my humor column. Here's where it began...

Well, there's no column this time, just like last time.

There probably won't be one next time, either. You can stop reading now.

Seriously. Stop reading. There's nothing to laugh at.


(sound of doorbell buzzing)

Now who could THAT be?

Bruce Two: Marty? It's Bruce Two.

Marty: Ah, haven’t heard from you in awhile. Can’t say it’s been a bad thing, either.

Bruce Two: No need to be rude.

Marty: I gotta be me. Can you make this quick? I’m trying to write a humor column-

Bruce Two: Oh, I heard about that! Not going too well, is it?

Marty: Not with all these interruptions-

Bruce Two: Marty, have you ever considered the possibility that you just aren’t funny?

Marty: What?

Bruce Two: Seriously, man. You aren’t cut out to be a comedian. Not in a million years! Why, they should get ME to write that column! I’d be the hit of the internet!

Marty: With all due respect Bruce, you can’t tell a joke to save your life.

Bruce Two: Try me.

Marty: Fine. Tell me a joke, then.

Bruce Two: Okay, knock-knock!

Marty: Who’s there?

Bruce Two: Madam foot is caught in the door.

Marty: Madam foot is caught in the door who?

Bruce Two: Wait, I messed up.

Marty: See?

Bruce Two: No, hang on, I’ve got another. How do you get a guy out of a tree?

Marty: How?

Bruce Two: You WAVE to him! (laughs uproariously)

Marty: That made no sense whatsoever.

Bruce Two: Huh? Oh, wait- How do you get a Polish guy out of a tree?

Marty: I don’t take kindly to Polish jokes-

Bruce Two: Come on, work with me on this! How do you get a Polish guy out of a tree?
Marty: How?

Bruce Two: You WAVE TO him! (laughs uproariously)

Marty: That still made no sense.

Bruce Two: What? Umm… oh, hold on, did I mention he's only got one arm? Yeah, how do you get a one-armed Polish guy out of a tree?

Marty: (sighing) You wave to him?

Bruce Two: Aw, man! You’ve heard this one before!

Marty: Bruce, I-

Bruce Two: No, no, wait. A black guy, a white guy, and a Latino are walking down the street and find a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out and grants each of them one wish. The white guy says, “I’ll have a coke”, and then the black guy says-

Marty: I’ve heard this one before- you just told the punch line first.

Bruce Two: I did? Aw, dammit! Wait, this guy’s eighteen year old son comes home from school and says, “Daddy! I’m the only one-“

Marty: You’re not supposed to tell his age until the punch line.

Bruce Two: Huh? Okay, forget that one. This guy walks into a bar with a dead giraffe and drops it on the floor, and the bartender yells, “Hey! You can’t leave that giraffe lyin’ there! And then the guy says, "That's not a lion"… Oh, no,no,no,no,no- wait, the bartender doesn’t say that-

Marty: Bruce?

Bruce Two: Uh…yeah?

Marty: Why are you here?

Bruce Two: Oh, I almost forgot- I wanted to tell you that your place is surrounded by cops.

Marty: WHAT?

Bruce Two: They trailed some dude in a cockroach outfit here- Marty: Grrrrrr-

Baby Huey: Uuhh… Marty?

Marty: You imbecile, what did you do? Never mind, we’ve got to move fast. Bruce, go out there.

Bruce Two: ME?

Marty: Don’t worry, they won’t shoot you. Go out there and tell ‘em we’ll be right out. And make sure your hands are hidden, 'cause if you wave them around cops think you're a junkie.

Bruce Two: Really? Okay, they won't see my hands.

Marty: Wonderful! Hey, Brainiac, grab your stuff- we're outta here.

Baby Huey: Uuhh... where are we going?

Marty: Out the window- be sure to tuck and roll when you land. It'll minimize damage.

Baby Huey: Aww, gee, thanks for thinking of me-

Marty: The hell with you! There's a deposit on that bug suit you're wearing! Bookmark and Share


To Be Continued

Visit The Fedora Chronicles Zazzle Store