Cucaracha War Journal

Jonathan Polkay - May 25th, 2006 Bookmark and Share

EDITORS NOTE: Marty Walsh’s column was unavailable (big surprise) but we managed to find a section from Marty’s “Cucaracha War Journal”. For what it’s worth, here it is…

Quietly the cockroach scuttles across the room, its miniscule appendages making the only sounds as it races across the vast expanse of carpet.

In the distance, a faint whirring noise can be heard, but the roach pays no attention- It is focused on the task at hand. This roach is unlike the others- It has been bred for speed and maneuverability, and it is only a third the size of its brethren. It pauses at the threshold of the bathroom, furtively glancing around (if a roach can do that) to spot the enemy. The whirring noise gets slightly louder, but still, the roach dismisses it as irrelevant.

As it enters the bathroom, its heart starts to race. The previous scout had made it this far, but had been stopped at this point!

Poised like a long-distance runner, it prepares to make its way across the tiled floor to the tiny crevice on the other side!  It could do it. It WILL do it! There is no thought of failure- only victory and the continued existence of its race.

 Making only the softest of clacking sounds as its feet hit the cold gray floor, the compact roach accelerated to the ceramic tub. Sensing victory, it paused to take in the sight of the crevice beckoning oh, so close, like a seductive lover!        

Enjoying the thrill of victory, the roach reached the crevice and turned around to gloat over the incredible distance it had covered- FATAL ERROR!

The whirring noise which the roach had foolishly refused to acknowledge proved to be its downfall- A heavy power-drill dropped from the heavens like a thunderbolt, piercing the roach with its bit and spinning the corpse like some demonic version of a child's toy top.

I lifted the drill and examined the prey, still speared on the bit. The only thing left to do was deliver the oh-so-excruciatingly bad one-liner::

THE ONE-LINER: "I'm sorry, was I BORING you?"

HUMANITY WILL PREVAIL! Play The Clip!  Bookmark and Share

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