EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to circumstances beyond our control, The Fedora Chronicles staff regret to inform our readers that due to a lack of effort on his part, Marty Walsh has been fired. To be sure you understand the gravity and seriousness of the situation, we have allowed him to present to your the conversation of what was supposed to be the last telephone conversation with him...

Fired... After Only One Year!


Jonathan Polkay - Date Bookmark and Share

Okay, I know it's been a whole YEAR since I promised everyone a humor column. Well, I'm not going to disappoint you guys, and believe me, the end result will prove that the wait was well worth it. I've got a recorder going, and I'm going to record all my ideas and jot them down and form a cohesive column that will send every satirist (and some satyrs) on the internet crying!


Marty: testing...testing... Ah, good. Ahem... It was the best of times, it was the... (phone rings)

Marty: Aw, not again- I thought my batteries were dead. Hello?

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Marty Walsh?

Marty: Speaking.

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: This is the editor over at The Fedora Chronicles. You remember us? The FEDORA CHRONICLES? The INTERNET NEWSPAPER you were SUPPOSED to WRITE A HUMOR COLUMN FOR??? It's been a YEAR, Walsh. A WHOLE FLUNKIN' YEAR!!!

Marty: Um... you're not angry, are you?

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: WALSH, I-

Marty: Hey now, let's not overreact. My life's been kinda complicated, what with my ex-girlfriend getting married and all-

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Technically, she wasn't-

Marty: Don't even go there. Anyway, there's been some new developments.

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: So what else is new?

Marty: No, really, some serious stuff has gone down!

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: We're sure your explanations will be less-than-satisfactory...

Marty: No, listen- I've got a baby in my apartment.

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: A baby?

Marty: Yes, someone left her on my doorstep a few weeks ago and now I'm stuck with her! There's feedings and diaper changings-

 

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Babies sleep 13 hours per day. You screw around at work for eight hours, and that still leaves you with three hours PER DAY to write. No good. Next excuse.

Marty: Um... Baby Huey's also my roommate.

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: What the...

Marty: Uh... yeah. He's in trouble with the law, and the boss wants me to shelter him 'til the heat dies down.

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Did that bean-brain ever think of wearing a disguise?

Marty: That's actually the problem. He got stuck in his insect-outfit disguise, and now he can't get out of the suit.

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Now WHY did he wear something so ridiculous?

Marty: He said it would make him look inconspicuous...

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: I don't believe this...

Marty: You shouldn't. This is Baby Huey we're talking about here. He can't even spell, "inconspicuous". The outfit was my idea- it just backfired on me a little.

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: A little? A LITTLE? Walsh, you idiot-

Marty: I got everything under control.

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: If that were true, you'd have a column ready-

Marty: Hey, be charitable! I've been doing other work for you guys- doesn't that count for something?

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Oh, yes. Your campaign to attract people to our forum has REALLY pulled in the numbers.

Let's count off your great schemes. You had a "memorable" billboard campaign.

Marty: (wistfully) Yeah, it was something...

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: A free dead cat for every new member is a bad idea.

Marty: Depends who you ask. I hate cats, myself...

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Your other ideas were also not viable. A bungee-jumping station?

Marty: Yeah, the thrill of adventure! Wouldn't it be great? Jump right from the Fedora Chronicles top floor!

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Our office is a one-story building.

 

Marty: (pause) Use a shorter rubber band.

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: WALSH!

Marty: Didn't you like the wrestling ring with the sumo-body outfits people can wear?

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: What is this, 1992?

Marty: Er... I heard they're making a comeback. Hey, what about the petting zoo with the Tasmanian Devils?

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Yes, that would be a great idea. We could feed them errant humor-column writers...

Marty: Ha, ha! That was a joke, right? (pause) Right? Um... hey, what about the mechanical bull? My therapist's selling his. He needs to make room for the disco floor-

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: You're fired.

Marty: Wait! I got it! What about testing the sharpness of samurai swords on medical cadavers?

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Where, pray tell, do we get medical cadavers?

Marty: My uncle Jake says he can get 'em-

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: (groan) You're still fired.

Marty: Bobbing for kumquats?

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: FIRED! (click)

Marty: Well, I guess I have more time to devote to winning back Candy's heart...

(phone rings again)

Marty: Hello?

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Walsh? It's us. You're re-hired.

Marty: Why?

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Someone needs to answer all your hate-mail. Might as well be you.

Marty: I'll get right on that. Hey, I just had an idea for a column-

FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: (Click)

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