EDITOR'S NOTE: Marty Walsh's column was unavailable- again- as he had to take time out to call his landlord (Jed "The Most Powerful Man in the City" Hoffman) regarding a small matter in his dwelling. We have provided a transcript of the phone conversation- Marty's end has been edited- again- to remove profanity.

Phone Call with The Land lord...


Jonathan Polkay - September 19th, 2005 Bookmark and Share

September 19th, 2005 - Marty Walsh's column was unavailable- again- as he had to take time out to call his landlord (Jed "The Most Powerful Man in the City" Hoffman) regarding a small matter in his dwelling. We have provided a transcript of the phone conversation- Marty's end has been edited- again- to remove profanity.


The Wife: Honey, there's a phone call for you.

Mr. Hoffman: Okay, I'll be there- HEY! CLOSE THE DOOR!

The Wife: It's that Walsh person.

Mr. Hoffman: Walsh? Never heard of him.

The Wife: (to phone) He says he's never heard of you. What? (listening) Honey, he says he's your tenant.

Mr. Hoffman: Oh, THAT Walsh! Tell him he's three months overdue on rent!

The Wife: He says the check's in the mail.

Mr. Hoffman: Splendid. Tell him I can't find his humor column, either.

The Wife: He says he can't write until the power gets turned on.

Mr. Hoffman: Well, tell him to use a typewriter!

The Wife: (to phone) He says to use a t-

Mr. Hoffman: WHAT does he WANT?

Roach - In HandThe Wife: Who?

Mr. Hoffman: WHO? That does it! As soon as I get out of-

The Wife: You mean Mr. Walsh? He's on the phone!

Mr. Hoffman: Yes, and couldn't you tell I was otherwise OCCUPIED?

The Wife: (to phone) Mr. Hoffman can't come to the phone. He's painting his toenails-

Mr. Hoffman: FIVE MINUTES, woman! You have FIVE MINUTES before I kill-

The Wife: He says he found roaches in the apartment.
 

Mr. Hoffman: It took him THAT long to find them? Ha!

The Wife: Oh, dear. He heard you say that. (listening) My, your tenant has a colorful vocabulary.

Mr. Hoffman: Oh, for Pete's sake- CAN'T YOU TAKE A JOKE?

The Wife: What joke?

Mr. Hoffman: No, NOT YOU!

The Wife: Well, there isn't anyone else here- is there someone in there with you?

Mr. Hoffman: I'm TALKING about the PHONE!

The Wife: Oh, here you go-

Mr. Hoffman: NO! NOT YET! CLOSE THE DOOR!

The Wife: I thought you said-

Mr. Hoffman: ARRRGH! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGH!

The Wife: You sound terrible! Did you need a laxative? There's one in the cabinet-

Mr. Hoffman: Is he still on the phone?

The Wife: Who?

Mr. Hoffman:...I think... I think I'm going to be in here a little longer... (whimper)

The Wife: (to phone) Are you still there? Oh, good. You say there's roaches? It's not so bad. They could be great company- you DO sound lonely!

Mr. Hoffman: Woman, I... I...

The Wife: Oh, you were dating? How long?

Mr. Hoffman: Give me the phone.

Coins - RoachesThe Wife: Oh, that's not long at all! The last 17 dates don't count, you know!

Mr. Hoffman: GIVE me the PHONE!

The Wife: I thought you weren't done yet-

Mr. Hoffman: I'm not, but this is ridic-

The Wife: Why not just tell me through the door?

Mr. Hoffman:...sigh...

The Wife: (to phone) Perhaps the roaches could split the rent with you- 

Everything Cook BookMr. Hoffman: Give... me... the... phone.

The Wife: You could try making cockroach casserole-

Mr. Hoffman: Tell him to contact Jose', the maintenance man!

The Wife: (to phone) Have you contacted Jose'?

Mr. Hoffman: Well? Has he?

The Wife: He says he has, but Jose' doesn't speak English.

Mr. Hoffman: Of course he doesn't! He needs to speak to Jose' in Spanish!

Spanash DictionaryThe Wife: But he says he doesn't speak Spanish-

Mr. Hoffman: No se habla Espanol? Usted alma pobre! ("No speak Spanish? You poor soul!")

The Wife: Dear, don't be so patronizing-

Mr. Hoffman: Mujer, es yo que controla esta casa! ("Woman, it is I who control this house!")

The Wife: Reparto grande. Hablo también español, usted burro arrogante! ("Big deal. I too speak Spanish, you arrogant donkey!")

Mr. Hoffman: El infidel, allí será mucha matanza pronto! ("Infidel. There will be much bloodshed soon.")

The Wife: Oops, I think he hung up.

Mr. Hoffman: What did he say?

The Wife: Who?

Mr. Hoffman: MR. WALSH! WHAT DID HE SAY?

The Wife: He said he was going to take your advice and use a typewriter.

Mr. Hoffman: Well, that's certainly-

The Wife: He said it should crush cockroaches real well.

Mr. Hoffman: Ay caramba! Bookmark and Share

Type writer throw.


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