EEDITOR'S NOTE: Marty Walsh's humor column is unavailable (as usual) as he struggles with work issues and tries to find his place in Food Chain and The Circle of Corporate Life…

Food Chain and The Circle of Corporate Live

Jonathan Polkay - June 30th, 2005  Bookmark and Share

Okay, I know I said the column would start this time, but I felt that I had to rant about work again. Currently, I'm pulling double duty around here because I'm ALSO doing Daisy's job- she took an extended leave of absence somewhere in Jamaica. I hope she gets beaned by a coconut... 

Anyway, my boss lumbers into my cubicle and looks around, gazing into space. He thinks he's looking pensive, but I know he's lost his train of thought and so I ignore him until he remembers why he walked in. "Marty... I sent my son to run an errand and now the company car is in a bad state."

I shrug as I pick up a folder marked, "Do Not Destroy" and flip it into the trash. The moron doesn't even notice. "When are we ditching that worthless lump? Can't happen too soon, for my money."

My boss waves his hands in a vain effort to be theatrical. "Marty. That car is a valuable asset to the company, and will continue to serve our needs for years to come."

"Who's talking about the car?", I mutter under my breath. The last time Baby Huey had the company car, he got flames painted on the sides. Did I mention the two separate speeding tickets? Oops, my boss wasn't done talking. Not as if I listen too much anyway.

"...and furthermore, I want to know where everyone else is." Apparently he forgot that five o' clock is quitting time for pretty much everybody except me- I have enough work as it is. "I guess the nice weather got everyone out the door, boss." I smile sweetly, because I'm envisioning dunking his stupid head in the men's room toilet-

"Marty? Are you listening?" (Whoops, gotta concentrate.) "Sorry, boss. What was that?" He gestures dramatically at the sea of empty cubicles. "Send out an e-mail regarding employee discipline. We cannot tolerate people leaving early. The economy of this country is DEPENDING on us!"

The amazing thing is, he's serious! As he walks away, I turn back to my computer and reflect. An e-mail on discipline. Of all the stupid...

Wait, I've got it! Within ten minutes my e-mail is composed:

To: All employees
From: The Upper Management (aka The Evil Ones)
It has been brought to our attention that the nice weather has made the employees cheerful and having entirely too much fun. Therefore, steps will be taken to reduce morale accordingly. The following are some possible policies to be instated here at the office next week:
- P.A. system to be installed, plays Chumbawumba's " Tubthumpin' " 24 hours a day nonstop.

Is it 5 O'Clock yet...

- The dish of mints in the reception area will be replaced with aquarium gravel (aspirin-flavored)

Employees in windowed offices will be placed in windowless offices, employees in cubicles will work in the warehouse, and the entire warehouse team will be fired promptly.

- Pens and pencils will be confiscated; any writing must be done using employees' blood.

- The bathroom is hereby off-limits; chamber pots will be issued instead.

- Water cooler will be replaced with Pocari Sweat dispenser.

- Smoke breaks will still be allowed, with the stipulation that the lit end be placed in the mouth.

Remember, you are but plankton in the corporate food chain.

That done, I turn to the task of rescuing the company car. It seems Baby Huey has gotten it towed off someplace, and the car's sitting in some lot on the bad side of town. Sigh... I hop on down to the bus stop, finding myself next to someone who's been waiting for his bus a tad too long... 

Well, the towing place certainly is an artistic accomplishment- random bullet holes in the walls only lend a civilized sense of chaos on the aesthetic form, much like those paintings done by monkeys that dumb rich people shell out a million bucks for. Garbage littering the front of the building was arranged tastefully, and the numerous puddles of barf and urine were there by no accident! Best of all, the growling of Dobermann guard dogs provided a perfect balance of nature blending with human-made structures.

Mmm! It would seem that the tattooed gorilla sitting behind the bulletproof glass has ignoring down to an art form himself! Truly, I felt as if I was in the presence of GENIUS! Previously, it was not possible for beings whose shoe size was larger than their I.Q. to evolve, but apparently it CAN HAPPEN!

Pushing some nice shiny coins across the counter to get his attention, I flash my most winning smile- the one that SHOULD but DOESN'T get me the chicks- it had even less effect on Mr. Cro-Magnon here, but at least I was able to secure the company car.

I happen to notice that there are a set of keys already in the ignition- leading me to (correctly) believe that Baby Huey managed to lock himself out of the car. Again. Idiot. I shove a pile of junk off the seats and prepare to leave, noticing two rather interesting>

Hmm... It seems life's going to be much more interesting at work soon!  Bookmark and Share

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