EDITOR'S NOTE: Marty Walsh's humor column was unavailable (as usual) as he's continues to look for someone who can help him over come the break up of his girlfriend.

Hurting, Healing, and Religion's
Entertainment Value.

Jonathan Polkay - June 2nd, 2005 Bookmark and Share

Well, I'm sorry folks, but no humor column today. I SWEAR I will have one ready by the next time, I'm just down on my luck lately after moving itno my new place. I'm still hurting over the loss of Candy, my girlfriend from ages past. She got married, you know. And not to me, either! I've been trying to get over this by confiding in friends, and not having learned my lesson from last time, called up Bruce again.

Regrettably, Bruce was not home. His five-star whack job girlfriend Blondie was, unfortunately. Now in reality, "Blondie" is only her nickname. Not her REAL nickname, either. I can't print her real nickname here, but it also starts with a "B", too.

Marty: Hello? Is Bruce there?

Blondie: Oh, hi Marty! I haven't talked to you in years!

Marty: Yeah, well, I guess today must be the day my luck ran out. Is Bruce there?

Blondie: What's the matter, Marty? Love life in shambles again?

Marty: I wanted to talk to Bruce about a personal matter-

Blondie: Oh, he told me you're hung up on Candy. Dude, get real! You guys didn't date long enough for her to be your..
Don't even go there.

Blondie: You really screwed things up with her. I understand her hubby's a real hunk! Got a lot of money, and she says her love life is fantastic!

Marty: I...

Blondie: They honeymooned in Maui. I remember you always talking about taking her there. Well, too late now!

Marty: sob...

Blondie: Enough about your problems. There's nothing you can do about it anyway! I've got some issues of my own.

Marty: (sniffle) Wonder what those could be? The long line of people waiting to kill you, for starters?

Blondie: You know, I wanted to ask you a question...

Marty: I've already explained the purpose of the paperweight to you numerous times...

Blondie: I'm looking for religion; do you know what the good ones are?

Marty: I- er, WHAT?

Blondie: I'm looking for religion.

Marty: Interested in meeting your maker, are you? Try walking in front of a bus!

Blondie: You see, I need to know which one would be the most entertaining.

Marty: You want to find religion... for ENTERTAINMENT VALUE?

Blondie: Yeah, I think it'd be cool to get into heaven, but I don't wanna sit in a church and be bored.

Marty: Blondie, if you don't mind, is Bruce there or not?

Blondie: I mean, who wants to waste time sleeping in church when you could do it at home?

Marty: I don't believe this...

Blondie: Maybe the sermons would be better if I was stoned...

Marty: Against my better judgment, I'll ask: For what reason do you want to find religion?

Blondie: The thing is, I need to know which religion says abortion is okay.

Marty: Well, for your information, NONE of them do!

Blondie: Really? That's such a bummer. What am I going to do?

Marty: Let me guess- you got knocked up again, and not by Bruce.

Blondie: My daughter wrote, "I hate my mom" on her arm yesterday.

Marty: Cute. and not surprising either, given who her mom is...

Blondie: I'm thinking an abortion might be the way to go...

Marty: On your DAUGHTER? the one who's already been BORN for SEVEN YEARS?

Blondie: Yeah. I mean, that'll be okay, right?

Marty: You ninny, an abortion is done BEFORE the child IS BORN!

Blondie: So, that means it's too late now, right?

Marty: (sigh) yes... it's too late.

Blondie: So, I guess that would spoil my chances of getting into heaven, wouldn't it?

Marty: The way things are going, your body should be embalmed with sunblock...

Blondie: I mean, I'm no angel, but I think I deserve to go to heaven.

Marty: Let me put it this way- whatever psychological damage you've inflicted on your child to further your own selfish ends, I'm sure Oprah will see fit to forgive you.

Blondie: You really think so? Cool! (click)

Marty: Is Bruce there? Hello? Hello?

 All right, that's it! I grabbed the phone book and began leafing through it, fully intending to put a contract out on her.

Let's see... Assassins, hired killers, mob hits... what's this? Mental health counseling? Might just be what I need! I dialed the number. A gentleman named Joe picked up the other line.
Joe: Joe's Grill and Grief Counseling, this is Joe.
Marty: Ah, yes... I would like to schedule an appointment for counseling.
Joe: You want any fries with that?
(Let the healing begin! Not to mention my humor column- It starts REAL SOON!)

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