EDITOR'S NOTE: Marty Walsh's humor column was unavailable (as usual) as he's currently dodging his duties and apartment hunting when he should be working...

Apartment Hunting?

Jonathan Polkay - May 19th, 2005  Bookmark and Share

What follows is a transcript from a phone conversation with Marty and his prospective landlord Mr. Jed Hoffman (and spouse): (Marty's side of the conversation has been edited out due to too much profanity.)

The Wife: Honey, there's someone on the phone for you.

Mr. Hoffman: Just take a message, and I'll- Hey! Will you GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!

The Wife: Mr. Hoffman can't come to the phone right now- he's too busy plucking his eyebrows.

Mr. Hoffman: Will you LAY OFF, WOMAN!

The Wife: Is this important? (listening) Honey, he says he's interested in the apartment you're renting out.

Mr. Hoffman: Well, that's great!

The Wife: He says he wouldn't have bothered, but he's homeless right now.

Mr. Hoffman: Uh... yeah. Well, when does he want to take a look at it?

The Wife: (to phone) Mr. Hoffman wants to know when you are available to look at it. Oh, you're there now? (to Jed) He says he's-


The Wife: (to phone) He says he's not deaf. What? Honey, he wants to know what does that have to do with-

Mr. Hoffman: NOTHING! He's there now? Tell him he can see it now. The front door's open.

The Wife: (to phone) Mr. Hoffman says you can go right in. (to Jed) Honey, he says he knows. He said the front door's lock is missing.

Mr. Hoffman: Okay, tell him to peel back the yellow police tape and go right in.

The Wife: (to phone) Okay, just peel back the tape. (to Jed) Honey, he says he doesn't think that's legal-

Mr. Hoffman: Does he want the apartment or not? Tell him to go in and take the stairs up. Tell him there's plenty of space!

The Wife: (to phone) It's okay, just go in. Take the stairs up. (listening) Oh, are you all right? Are you hurt bad? (to Jed) He says the fifth stair gave out when he stepped on-

Mr. Hoffman: Tell him the fifth stair has a bit of give to it.

The Wife: He just found that out. (listening) My, what a filthy mouth you have!

Mr. Hoffman: What's he saying? Is he all right?

The Wife: I think he mentioned your mother. Does he know her?

Mr. Hoffman: IS HE ALL RIGHT?

The Wife: Are you okay? (to Jed) He says he'll be able to limp up the rest of the way.

Mr. Hoffman: Attaboy! I like tenants with spirit!

The Wife: (to Jed) Are you almost done in there?

Mr. Hoffman: Almost, I just have to.. Hey! I said, GET OUT OF HERE!

The Wife: (to phone) Hello? Where are you now? You're inside? Nice isn't, it?

Mr. Hoffman: He likes it, doesn't he? Does he notice how spacious it is?

The Wife: He says it feels a bit hot, but since the splinters from the stairs shredded his pants, there's a nice breeze. Oh, and he wants to know if he can pry the boards off the windows.

Mr. Hoffman: Is he CRAZY? That would spoil the rustic accent of the place!

The Wife: (to phone) No, I'm afraid the boards have to stay. Think of the privacy you'll have!

Mr. Hoffman: What's he saying now? Is he noticing the space?

The Wife: I've never heard so many bad words before! I think he's inspecting the bathrooms.

Mr. Hoffman: You can reassure him that everything works.

The Wife: (listening) What's happening? (to Jed) He says there's no water, just a steady stream of blood... from every fixture.

Mr. Hoffman: Tell him to pay no attention to that.

The Wife: (listening) He says he'll do his best. He also says you're one cheap son of a-

Mr. Hoffman: How soon can I get his security deposit?

The Wife: Wait, he's talking again. There's a what? In the where? (to Jed) Honey, he wants to know why there's a skeleton in one of the closets.

Mr. Hoffman: Tell him not to act so self-righteous. EVERYONE has a skeleton in their closet!

The Wife: I don't think he was speaking metaphorically.

Mr. Hoffman: Tell him not to pay any attention to that, either. Did he notice how spacious the place is?

The Wife: (to phone) Did you notice how spacious the place is? (to Jed) Yes, he noticed. He said it was very spacious.

Mr. Hoffman: It is INCREDIBLY spacious. Just a lot of spacious... space. Vast in its emptiness...

The Wife: Are you done waxing poetic?

Mr. Hoffman: Woman, you go too far-

The Wife: Wait, he's talking again.

Mr. Hoffman: Well?

The Wife: Well, what?

Mr. Hoffman: Well, what's HE SAYING?

The Wife: He says he'll take it. He says he's seen better garbage dumps, but he needs a place to write a humor column-

Mr. Hoffman: Ah, wonderful! Tell him he'll appreciate all that space!

The Wife: All things being equal, you're one incredible putz.

Mr. Hoffman: He said THAT?

The Wife: No, I did.

Mr. Hoffman: That's IT! Which nostril do you wish me to ram these tweezers-

The Wife: Wait- Huh? (listening) He also wants to thank you for warning him about the hole.

Mr. Hoffman: Hole? What hole?

The Wife: The one he just fell into.

Mr. Hoffman: Well, there was a REASON that rug was put into that corner! Bookmark and Share

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