This column is dedicated to the memory of Janet Lee Bieble, a fan of the Marty Walsh humor page.

First Article. Sort of...

By Jonathan Polkay - April 26th, 2005 Bookmark and Share

Hello All! Well, my name is Marty Walsh and I was supposed to fill this space with a humor column but I'm having trouble concentrating. You see, my ex-girlfriend had gotten married.

My ex-girlfriend had gotten married 3 years ago- and not to me. I sat there numbly reading the dated announcement while I had been innocently surfing the Web for home gardening tips. Of course, that wasn't what I was really doing, but some things are better left to the imagination. Her name was Candy, and she had married after telling me she was not interested in any serious relationship. I looked for comfort by calling up one of my closest confidants, Bruce.

Marty Walsh spends more time working whining over his ex-girlfriend, and less time on his first article!


Bruce: Hello?

Me: Bruce? It's Marty. I've got a big problem!

Bruce: What's up?

Me: I'm supposed start writing a humor column and...

Bruce: Well, that shouldn't be a problem.

Me: No, that's not it. My ex-girlfriend got married!

Bruce: I know there haven't been too many of those Marty, but which one?

Me: It was Candy.

Bruce: Candy? She was never your girlfriend, Marty. You guys only had 27 dates together.

Me: That's what she said, but we actually had 44 dates together! She...

Bruce: The last 17 usually don't count.

Me: That's what she said, too. Now she's married? Why?

Bruce: Wasn't she the chick with the unibrow...

That's the point where I hung up on Bruce. Strike him from the list of confidants.

It was at this point that I realized that the iPod on my desk was playing Dave Edmunds' "I Knew the Bride When She Used to Rock N' Roll"...

So I threw it against the wall, breaking it. I felt better immediately, mainly because it wasn't my iPod...

But it didn't help my current situation. I had one other friend, also named Bruce. (To reduce confusion, he shall be referred to as Bruce Two) I tried calling him, to little effect. (Bruce Two is not known for his compassion.)

Bruce Two: Who is on the line?

Me: Bruce Two, It's Marty. I need someone to talk to right now.

Bruce Two: Perhaps you should look deep into your own soul. There you will find all answers.

Me: Bruce Two, listen to me. My ex-girlfriend Candy got married, and it's killing me!
Bruce Two: Candy? Ah, yes. The girl you elbowed in the face in a ham-fisted effort to put your arm around her. By the way, she was never your girlfriend, Marty. You two only had 27...

Me: Shut up, Bruce Two.

Bruce Two: You failed miserably in your gamble for love, but I will pray for you. I will make offerings of Twinkies to the All-Highest for your atonement.

Me: (gritting my teeth) Bruce, we happen to worship the same god, and I can guarantee you that the Almighty does NOT SUFFER from HYPOGLYCEMIA!

Bruce Two: Blasphemer, there shall be much defecation in your name. (click.) 

Now what? I debated whether I should contact Candy to get closure, but then I remembered the current woman in my life wouldn't appreciate that. She sports those metal rings on her fingers to remind me to stay out of trouble. What? No, I'm not married. I'm referring to those brass knuckles she carries around. However- isn't our relationship based on trust and love? Should we not support our significant others in their bad times? Surely she would understand my pain!

An hour later, reflecting on it, it was a bad idea- As I sit on the curb nursing a bruised shin and jaw, I realized I had only time to grab a few belongings, including my disco ball, my lucky hat & my ninja shuriken collection. It would probably be bad form to ask for my Chiliwack tapes back. About time I bought the CDs, anyway.

Hmm... it seems I have run out of space for the actual humor column. Perhaps I will try again after I've found a new place to live.(Preferably without Internet access.) Bookmark and Share

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