The Secret Lair...
Marty Walsh's column was
- unavailable again due to unknown circumstances
(we mean it this time) but we have a transcript from his phone call to his
landlord (Marty's side has been edited for profanity.)
Mr. Hoffman: Woman, are you in the bathroom with the phone?
The Wife: Yes, I am, dear- is it an emergency?
Mr.
Hoffman: YES, it is an emergency! I need the facilities NOW!
The Wife: I'm almost finished- oops, there's a call coming in. You know, I was just speaking to Clarice, and she said-
Mr. Hoffman: Who's on the line?
The Wife: Why, I am!
Mr. Hoffman: Not YOU! The CALL! WHO is on the LINE?
The Wife: Oh, your sister Clarice! Don't tell me you don't remember your own sis-
Mr. Hoffman: THE CALL COMING IN! WHO IS IT?
The Wife: You don't have to yell! Oh, it's your tenant again! Mr. Walsh!
Mr. Hoffman: The one with the humor column? The only thing that's funny about it is where he's hidden it.
The Wife: He says he's finished with that rat-trap of an apartment of yours.
Mr. Hoffman: But his lease isn't up yet!
The Wife: (listening) He says he's not in a position to care- he's on the run from the authorities.
Mr. Hoffman: Well, we all have skeletons in our closet-
The Wife: Dear, are we in trouble for something? You've never said a word about it!
Mr. Hoffman: Are you DONE in there yet?
The Wife: Now, let's
not change the subject, dear. You know, I still don't know why you won't
let me in the basement-
Mr. Hoffman: Are you DONE? This is GETTING SERIOUS! (hops from one foot to the other)
The Wife: (to phone) What did you do?
Mr. Hoffman: Good Lord, don't let me soil myself. It's been years, and these are my good trousers!
The Wife: He says he's innocent.
Mr. Hoffman: HA! Aren't we all?
The Wife: He says his roommate was spamming internet forums, and he went a little too far. Apparently you’re not supposed to spam government websites; they don’t like that very much.
Mr. Hoffman: That’s putting it mildly, woman. Are you finished yet?
The Wife: Why, no, I’m still talking to Mr. Walsh-
Mr. Hoffman: I MEANT the BATHROOM! I NEED to GET IN NOW-
The Wife: You don’t have to yell.
Mr. Hoffman: If these trousers are ruined, you will pay. You will die hideously-
The Wife: Oh, and he wants to know if he can get his deposit back.
Mr. Hoffman: Absolutely not! He has violated a contract, and in the old country, when you did that you were stuffed inside a large-
The Wife: He says we’ll call it square.
Mr. Hoffman: -chicken costume and pelted with grapefruit- er, WHAT?
The Wife: He says you and he are even.
Mr. Hoffman: UN-ACCEPTABLE! I DEMAND the BALANCE!
The Wife: He says you
can cram it, because you aren’t going to find him anyway.
Mr. Hoffman: Oh, a challenge, eh? They don’t call me “the most Powerful Landlord” for nothing!
The Wife: Dear, they don’t call you that-
Mr. Hoffman: Woman, I- OOPS, that’s the end of these trousers! That’s IT! The hunt has begun! Summon my henchmen, woman. Never mind, I’ll do it myself…after I change clothes!
To be continued!
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