Marty: testing...testing... Ah, good. Ahem... It was the best of times,
it was the... (phone rings)
Marty: Aw, not again- I thought my batteries were dead. Hello?
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Marty Walsh?
Marty: Speaking.
FEDORA
CHRONICLES EDITOR: This is the editor over at The Fedora Chronicles. You
remember us? The FEDORA CHRONICLES? The INTERNET NEWSPAPER you were SUPPOSED
to WRITE A HUMOR COLUMN FOR??? It's been a YEAR, Walsh. A WHOLE FLUNKIN'
YEAR!!!
Marty: Um... you're not angry, are you?
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: WALSH, I-
Marty: Hey now, let's not overreact. My life's been kinda complicated,
what with my ex-girlfriend getting married and all-
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Technically, she wasn't-
Marty: Don't even go there. Anyway, there's been some new developments.
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: So what else is new?
Marty: No, really, some serious stuff has gone down!
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: We're sure your explanations will be less-than-satisfactory...
Marty:
No, listen- I've got a baby in my apartment.
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: A baby?
Marty: Yes, someone left her on my doorstep a few weeks ago and now I'm
stuck with her! There's feedings and diaper changings-
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Babies sleep 13 hours per day. You screw around
at work for eight hours, and that still leaves you with three hours PER
DAY to write. No good. Next excuse.
Marty: Um... Baby Huey's also my roommate.
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: What the...
Marty: Uh... yeah. He's in trouble with the law, and the boss wants me
to shelter him 'til the heat dies down.
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Did that bean-brain ever think of wearing a
disguise?
Marty: That's actually the problem. He got stuck in his insect-outfit
disguise, and now he can't get out of the suit.
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Now WHY did he wear something so ridiculous?
Marty: He said it would make him look inconspicuous...
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: I don't believe this...
Marty: You shouldn't. This is Baby Huey we're talking about here. He
can't even spell, "inconspicuous". The outfit was my idea- it just backfired
on me a little.
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: A little? A LITTLE? Walsh, you idiot-
Marty: I got everything under control.
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: If that were true, you'd have a column ready-
Marty: Hey, be charitable! I've been doing other work for you guys- doesn't
that count for something?
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Oh, yes. Your campaign to attract people to
our forum has REALLY pulled in the numbers.
Let's count off your great schemes. You had a "memorable" billboard campaign.
Marty: (wistfully) Yeah, it was something...
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: A free dead cat for every new member is a bad
idea.
Marty: Depends who you ask. I hate cats, myself...
FEDORA
CHRONICLES EDITOR: Your other ideas were also not viable. A bungee-jumping
station?
Marty: Yeah, the thrill of adventure! Wouldn't it be great? Jump right
from the Fedora Chronicles top floor!
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Our office is a one-story building.
Marty: (pause) Use a shorter rubber band.
FEDORA
CHRONICLES EDITOR: WALSH!
Marty: Didn't you like the wrestling ring with the sumo-body outfits
people can wear?
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: What is this, 1992?
Marty: Er... I heard they're making a comeback. Hey, what about the petting
zoo with the Tasmanian Devils?
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Yes, that would be a great idea. We could feed
them errant humor-column writers...
Marty: Ha, ha! That was a joke, right? (pause) Right? Um... hey, what
about the mechanical bull? My therapist's selling his. He needs to make
room for the disco floor-
FEDORA
CHRONICLES EDITOR: You're fired.
Marty: Wait! I got it! What about testing the sharpness of samurai swords
on medical cadavers?
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Where, pray tell, do we get medical cadavers?
Marty: My uncle Jake says he can get 'em-
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: (groan) You're still fired.
Marty: Bobbing for kumquats?
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: FIRED! (click)
Marty: Well, I guess I have more time to devote to winning back Candy's
heart...
(phone rings again)
Marty: Hello?
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Walsh? It's us. You're re-hired.
Marty: Why?
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: Someone needs to answer all your hate-mail.
Might as well be you.
Marty: I'll get right on that. Hey, I just had an idea for a column-
FEDORA CHRONICLES EDITOR: (Click)
Back in business!
Visit The
Fedora Chronicles Zazzle Store
Okay,
I know it's been a whole YEAR since I promised everyone a humor column.
Well, I'm not going to disappoint you guys, and believe me, the end result
will prove that the wait was well worth it. I've got a recorder going, and
I'm going to record all my ideas and jot them down and form a cohesive column
that will send every satirist (and some satyrs) on the internet crying!