I was finishing a phone call with a
client when the tell-tale lumbering footsteps of Baby Huey began to
reverberate down the hall.
Marty: (over phone) Yes, sir. We don't offer
guarantees. They inspire a lack of confidence in our product. Hello?
Hello?
Baby Huey: Uuuuuhhhhhh....
Marty:
(cutting him off) What's percolating in your miniscule collection of
synaptic impulses, you incoherent stumbling mound of valueless
parasitic mistakes? (You can get away with anything provided you do not
express it monosyllabically!)
Baby Huey:
Er... what?
Marty: OWNED!
Baby Huey: Uhhh... I have an idea...
Marty: Rubbing two sticks to make fire?
Already been invented.
Baby Huey: ...we need to send out our company
brochure...
Marty: Crayons are in the top drawer if you
need them.
Baby Huey: ...and we need to make a good
impression to clients who don't know us.
Marty: Let's start by removing any trace of
our name off the brochure, okay?
It was at this point that the moron
tossed a folder on my desk. Disinterestedly I picked it up and opened
it, gazing at its contents: a short list of items you'd normally
acquire from a pet store.
Marty: A
50
gallon fishtank? 100
pounds of gravel? Exotic fish? What on earth...?
I trailed off here, hoping some
reasonable explanation would fill the void. I was bound to be
disappointed, of course.
Baby Huey:
Uuhh... wouldn't it be cool to have our brochure in a bottle, and send
it out to new clients? They'd get the tank delivered with all the fish
inside, grab the bottle out of the tank, and find the brochure inside!
Marty: Your client list has over 50
names, covering a dozen states.
Baby Huey: It'd be so cool...
Marty: Are
you listening? Did you
even think about the logistics?
Baby Huey: Uuhh.. the what?
Marty: Let's
break it down, shall
we? You want to send live animals in a regulated environment across
hundreds of miles in containers that weigh nearly 450 pounds, and
that's not counting the weight of the gravel. It'll take slightly more
than one messenger to deliver your package, unless you're hiring a
powerlifter...
Baby Huey:
Uhhh...
Marty: ...and
that's just ONE
package!
Baby Huey: Uuhh...
Marty: Did I lose you after the
word "Let's"?
I watched him stand there for about
a minute, gathering every scrap of energy his brain could muster for
what would pass (in his mind) as a reasonable excuse for his stupidity.
Eventually he found something.
Baby Huey: Uuhh... my dad thinks this is a great
idea.
Marty: I guess it's true; great
minds think alike!
Baby Huey: Oh, yeah. Totally.
Marty: Tell you what, why don't you
go back to your cubicle and smoke some more weed?
Baby Huey: Uuhh, I would, except I broke my bong.
Marty: Is THAT all? Aw, that's no
problem! I can tell you where to get a good one.
Baby Huey: Really? Where?
Marty: Get this...(leaning in
conspiratorially) ...at the police station!
Baby Huey: Huh?
Marty: Look, the cops are always
nabbing the stuff, right? Sooner or later all that paraphernalia piles
up in the evidence rooms, and they gotta get rid of it to make room for
the newer stuff. So they sell it off.
Baby Huey: Really?
Marty: Would I kid you? This is
what you do- just walk in, and tell the cop at the front desk you're
interested in buying some of their used bongs in the evidence rooms.
Baby Huey: That's it?
Marty: Of course not! The cop's
gonna look at you funny, so you need to let him know it's cool. You
need the password phrase, which is, "You have permission to search me
AND my vehicle, pig."
Baby Huey:
Cool.
Thanks!
Marty: Wait, there's more. They're
going to bring a few cops in and lead you off to the back room, so
you'll want to pretend to struggle, so it looks convincing for
witnesses. Yell out "I'm armed" a couple of times for good measure,
that sort of thing. Afterwards they'll just let you out the side door,
business as usual!
Baby Huey: Awesome!
Marty: Why not go now? It's not as
if you're doing any actual work here anyway!
Baby Huey:
Awesome!
As he staggered off to his
well-deserved fate, I thought back to what I had said earlier. I take
it back; I LOVE my job!
P.S. - My column starts next time,
and no foolin'!!!
