Marty Walsh's column was unavailable for an unreasonable reason! Since Marty Walsh can take the time to accomplish ridiculous tasks given to him by his boss, you would think he would have the time to fulfill his obligations to the readers of his column: you can read more below...
"Idiot Errands..."
Jonathan Polkay - October 4th, 2005
Oh,
you were expecting a humor column this month? Fat chance! I'm too busy doing
my work work plus covering for the boss' daughter, who's been on vacation
for several months, and his idiot son, who just went on paternity leave
despite the fact that his pregnant girlfriend won't give birth for seven
more months. It's been pretty bad, actually. We all experience at one time
or another unreasonable requests by our bosses; sometimes, it's just the
nature of the job. However, there are times when those "requests" go a little
too far.
It's time for trouble when my boss invariably strolls into the room (trailing
a length of toilet paper from his loafers) at precisely 4:55 pm and says
those dreaded words, "Marty...Do you know what we need around here?"
THAT translates into, "Do you know what I want, and YOU'RE going to go
find it for me?"
At which this point the boss states what he wants, which could be any of
a number of things (See list below) all of which are, well, rather hard
to find...
A. A 40' bronze statue of the Buddha located at a secret ninja camp...
B. An M-1 Abrams army tank.
C. Hot lava...
D. A winning lottery ticket.
E. 1/2 dozen alligators...
F.
A choir of Nepalese dwarves that yodel in 5 languages.
G. The cure for world hunger.
H. Launch codes for a military missile silo...
I. A live Dodo bird.
J. DNA samples of extinct Australian marsupials.
K. A Steven Seagal movie nominated for a "Best Picture" Academy Award.
L. An arsenal large enough to overthrow a South American dictator's regime.
Having stated his desires, my boss ALSO mentions that he wants said item
before 5 pm, and that he doesn't want to pay more than $50 for it.
With
the clock now reading 4:58, I cry out, "But there has to be some flexibility
here, because..." (As with example A, the proper response would be, "That
would be sacrilege to the ninjas!"
...or with example C, "The earth's crust doesn't shift in this region!")
You get the idea...
At which this point my boss loftily exclaims, "I find that difficult
to believe. I firmly hold fast to the notion that someone out there must
have said item in his garage just sitting there, waiting to be used! Now
go find me one!"
From here, with clenched teeth this statement issues from my lips: "Fine.
While I'm at it, should I find you a map of Utopia or a working flux capacitor
too?"
As luck would have it, my boss always stops and says, "Hey! If you could
get me one of those too before 5:30, that would be great!" (I happen
to be stockpiling a considerable amount of automatic weapons for when the
lid finally blows- see request L!)
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