EDITOR'S NOTE: Marty Walsh's column was unavailable for an unreasonable reason! Since Marty Walsh can take the time to accomplish ridiculous tasks given to him by his boss, you would think he would have the time to fulfill his obligations to the readers of his column: you can read more below...

"Idiot Errands..." Oh, you were expecting a humor column this month? Fat chance! I'm too busy doing my work work plus covering for the boss' daughter, who's been on vacation for several months, and his idiot son, who just went on paternity leave despite the fact that his pregnant girlfriend won't give birth for seven more months. It's been pretty bad, actually. We all experience at one time or another unreasonable requests by our bosses; sometimes, it's just the nature of the job. However, there are times when those "requests" go a little too far.          It's time for trouble when my boss invariably strolls into the room (trailing a length of toilet paper from his loafers) at precisely 4:55 pm and says those dreaded words, "Marty...Do you know what we need around here?"          THAT translates into, "Do you know what I want, and YOU'RE going to go find it for me?" At which this point the boss states what he wants, which could be any of a number of things (See list below) all of which are, well, rather hard to find...   A. A 40' bronze statue of the Buddha located at a secret ninja camp...

B. An M-1 Abrams army tank. C. Hot lava...

D. A winning lottery ticket. E. 1/2 dozen alligators...

F. A choir of Nepalese dwarves that yodel in 5 languages.

G. The cure for world hunger.

H. Launch codes for a military missile silo...

J. DNA samples of extinct Australian marsupials.

K. A Steven Seagal movie nominated for a "Best Picture" Academy Award.

L. An arsenal large enough to overthrow a South American dictator's regime.

Having stated his desires, my boss ALSO mentions that he wants said item before 5 pm, and that he doesn't want to pay more than $50 for it.
 
With the clock now reading 4:58, I cry out, "But there has to be some flexibility here, because..." (As with example A, the proper response would be, "That would be sacrilege to the ninjas!"

At which this point my boss loftily exclaims, "I find that difficult to believe. I firmly hold fast to the notion that someone out there must have said item in his garage just sitting there, waiting to be used! Now go find me one!"

From here, with clenched teeth this statement issues from my lips: "Fine. While I'm at it, should I find you a map of Utopia or a working flux capacitor too?"

As luck would have it, my boss always stops and says, "Hey! If you could get me one of those too before 5:30, that would be great!"
 
       (I happen to be stockpiling a considerable amount of automatic weapons for when the lid finally blows- see request L!)