The Wife: Honey, there's a phone call for
you.
Mr. Hoffman: Okay, I'll be there- HEY! CLOSE
THE DOOR!
The Wife: It's that Walsh person.
Mr. Hoffman: Walsh? Never heard of him.
The Wife: (to phone) He says he's never heard
of you. What? (listening) Honey, he says he's your tenant.
Mr. Hoffman: Oh, THAT Walsh! Tell him he's
three months overdue on rent!
The Wife: He says the check's in the mail.
Mr. Hoffman: Splendid. Tell him I can't find
his humor column, either.
The Wife: He says he can't write until the
power gets turned on.
Mr. Hoffman: Well, tell him to use a typewriter!
The Wife: (to phone) He says to use a t-
Mr. Hoffman: WHAT does he WANT?
The
Wife: Who?
Mr. Hoffman: WHO? That does it! As soon as
I get out of-
The Wife: You mean Mr. Walsh? He's on the
phone!
Mr. Hoffman: Yes, and couldn't you tell I
was otherwise OCCUPIED?
The Wife: (to phone) Mr. Hoffman can't come
to the phone. He's painting his toenails-
Mr. Hoffman: FIVE MINUTES, woman! You have
FIVE MINUTES before I kill-
The Wife: He says he found roaches in the
apartment.
Mr. Hoffman: It took him THAT long to find
them? Ha!
The Wife: Oh, dear. He heard you say that.
(listening) My, your tenant has a colorful vocabulary.
Mr. Hoffman: Oh, for Pete's sake- CAN'T YOU
TAKE A JOKE?
The Wife: What joke?
Mr. Hoffman: No, NOT YOU!
The Wife: Well, there isn't anyone else here-
is there someone in there with you?
Mr. Hoffman: I'm TALKING about the PHONE!
The Wife: Oh, here you go-
Mr. Hoffman: NO! NOT YET! CLOSE THE DOOR!
The Wife: I thought you said-
Mr. Hoffman: ARRRGH! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGH!
The Wife: You sound terrible! Did you need
a laxative? There's one in the cabinet-
Mr. Hoffman: Is he still on the phone?
The Wife: Who?
Mr. Hoffman:...I think... I think I'm going
to be in here a little longer... (whimper)
The Wife: (to phone) Are you still there?
Oh, good. You say there's roaches? It's not so bad. They could be great
company- you DO sound lonely!
Mr. Hoffman: Woman, I... I...
The Wife: Oh, you were dating? How long?
Mr. Hoffman: Give me the phone.
The
Wife: Oh, that's not long at all! The last 17 dates don't count, you know!
Mr. Hoffman: GIVE me the PHONE!
The Wife: I thought you weren't done yet-
Mr. Hoffman: I'm not, but this is ridic-
The Wife: Why not just tell me through the
door?
Mr. Hoffman:...sigh...
The Wife: (to phone) Perhaps the roaches
could split the rent with you-
Mr.
Hoffman: Give... me... the... phone.
The Wife: You could try making cockroach
casserole-
Mr. Hoffman: Tell him to contact Jose', the
maintenance man!
The Wife: (to phone) Have you contacted Jose'?
Mr. Hoffman: Well? Has he?
The Wife: He says he has, but Jose' doesn't
speak English.
Mr. Hoffman: Of course he doesn't! He needs
to speak to Jose' in Spanish!
The
Wife: But he says he doesn't speak Spanish-
Mr. Hoffman: No se habla Espanol? Usted alma
pobre! ("No speak Spanish? You poor soul!")
The Wife: Dear, don't be so patronizing-
Mr. Hoffman: Mujer, es yo que controla esta
casa! ("Woman, it is I who control this house!")
The Wife: Reparto grande. Hablo también español,
usted burro arrogante! ("Big deal. I too speak Spanish, you arrogant donkey!")
Mr. Hoffman: El infidel, allí será mucha
matanza pronto! ("Infidel. There will be much bloodshed soon.")
The Wife: Oops, I think he hung up.
Mr. Hoffman: What did he say?
The Wife: Who?
Mr.
Hoffman: MR. WALSH! WHAT DID HE SAY?
The Wife: He said he was going to take your
advice and use a typewriter.
Mr. Hoffman: Well, that's certainly-
The Wife: He said it should crush cockroaches
real well.
Mr. Hoffman: Ay caramba!
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September
19th, 2005 - Marty Walsh's column was unavailable- again- as he had to take
time out to call his landlord (Jed "The Most Powerful Man in the City" Hoffman)
regarding a small matter in his dwelling. We have provided a transcript
of the phone conversation- Marty's end has been edited- again- to remove
profanity.