Phone Call with The Land lord...The Wife: Honey, there's a phone call for you.
Mr. Hoffman: Okay, I'll be there- HEY! CLOSE THE DOOR!
The Wife: It's that Walsh person.
Mr. Hoffman: Walsh? Never heard of him.
The Wife: (to phone) He says he's never heard of you. What? (listening) Honey, he says he's your tenant.
Mr. Hoffman: Oh, THAT Walsh! Tell him he's three months overdue on rent!
The Wife: He says the check's in the mail.
Mr. Hoffman: Splendid. Tell him I can't find his humor column, either.
The Wife: He says he can't write until the power gets turned on.
Mr. Hoffman: Well, tell him to use a typewriter!
The Wife: (to phone) He says to use a t-
Mr. Hoffman: WHAT does he WANT?
The Wife:
Who?
Mr. Hoffman: WHO? That does it! As soon as I get out of-
The Wife: You mean Mr. Walsh? He's on the phone!
Mr. Hoffman: Yes, and couldn't you tell I was otherwise OCCUPIED?
The Wife: (to phone) Mr. Hoffman can't come to the phone. He's painting his toenails-
Mr. Hoffman: FIVE MINUTES, woman! You have FIVE MINUTES before I kill-
The Wife:
He says he found roaches in the apartment.
Mr. Hoffman: It took him THAT long to find them? Ha!
The Wife: Oh, dear. He heard you say that. (listening) My, your tenant has a colorful vocabulary.
Mr. Hoffman: Oh, for Pete's sake- CAN'T YOU TAKE A JOKE?
The Wife: What joke?
Mr. Hoffman: No, NOT YOU!
The Wife: Well, there isn't anyone else here- is there someone in there with you?
Mr. Hoffman: I'm TALKING about the PHONE!
The Wife: Oh, here you go-
Mr. Hoffman: NO! NOT YET! CLOSE THE DOOR!
The Wife: I thought you said-
Mr. Hoffman: ARRRGH! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGH!
The Wife: You sound terrible! Did you need a laxative? There's one in the cabinet-
Mr. Hoffman: Is he still on the phone?
The Wife: Who?
Mr. Hoffman:...I think... I think I'm going to be in here a little longer... (whimper)
The Wife: (to phone) Are you still there? Oh, good. You say there's roaches? It's not so bad. They could be great company- you DO sound lonely!
Mr. Hoffman: Woman, I... I...
The Wife: Oh, you were dating? How long?
Mr. Hoffman: Give me the phone.
The Wife:
Oh, that's not long at all! The last 17 dates don't count, you know!
Mr. Hoffman: GIVE me the PHONE!
The Wife: I thought you weren't done yet-
Mr. Hoffman: I'm not, but this is ridic-
The Wife: Why not just tell me through the door?
Mr. Hoffman:...sigh...
The Wife: (to phone) Perhaps the roaches could split the rent with you-
Mr. Hoffman:
Give... me... the... phone.
The Wife: You could try making cockroach casserole-
Mr. Hoffman: Tell him to contact Jose', the maintenance man!
The Wife: (to phone) Have you contacted Jose'?
Mr. Hoffman: Well? Has he?
The Wife: He says he has, but Jose' doesn't speak English.
Mr. Hoffman: Of course he doesn't! He needs to speak to Jose' in Spanish!
The Wife:
But he says he doesn't speak Spanish-
Mr. Hoffman: No se habla Espanol? Usted alma pobre! ("No speak Spanish? You poor soul!")
The Wife: Dear, don't be so patronizing-
Mr. Hoffman: Mujer, es yo que controla esta casa! ("Woman, it is I who control this house!")
The Wife: Reparto grande. Hablo también español, usted burro arrogante! ("Big deal. I too speak Spanish, you arrogant donkey!")
Mr. Hoffman: El infidel, allí será mucha matanza pronto! ("Infidel. There will be much bloodshed soon.")
The Wife: Oops, I think he hung up.
Mr. Hoffman: What did he say?
The Wife: Who?
Mr. Hoffman:
MR. WALSH! WHAT DID HE SAY?
The Wife: He said he was going to take your advice and use a typewriter.
Mr. Hoffman: Well, that's certainly-
The Wife: He said it should crush cockroaches real well.
Mr. Hoffman: Ay caramba!
