New York Story

Kevin Fehlen - July 2008

The lights never dim

The cars never stop

No one ever sleeps

Constant. Constant. Constant.

A car honks, a siren screams. People shout. People yell

They walk this way. They walk that way.

Completely oblivious to my gaze.

The city is dark. The city is bright.

The city is dim. This city is smart.

The city is warm. The city is cold.

Superficial hypocrisies, and bland meritocracy.

The train screeches to a halt and in seconds hustles and bustles, jam packed and over flowing down the rickety old track.

I look around and I see life. I see lives. I see all walks of the human race.

The breeze picks up. The temperature drops.

The last ash has fallen and throw you away. Into the street, onto the sidewalk. A smear beneath my shoe.

Alone in a crowd of 10,000 faces. Like a sailor drowning in the sea.

A sailor who thinks to himself, "and I volunteered for this shit."

It's August, 2006. It's the summer before my senior year in high school and I want nothing more than to escape from the world I've now know for 17 years. I'm stuck in the middle of an emotionally abusive relationship with a girl I've tricked myself into thinking I care about and cares about me. I'm tired of the tiny town with nothing to do, and nobody of intellect to talk to. I'm tired of tests, and being told what to do and what to learn.

My drama club director, Kevin, several months ago announced that for those who wished to participate the drama club would be taking a field trip to New York City. I couldn't believe my ears. My dreams were finally starting to come true. Where else better to escape the monotony and blaring spotlight that comes with living in a town of two thousand people, than going to an island of ten million? The Big Apple, the land where possibilities are virtually limitless. A place filled with art, culture, history, and where nobody knew my name and held any standards against me.

Needless to say, the trip was a great success, with the exception of a minor kick of heat stroke due to the extreme August temperatures. I saw everything, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, Central Park. I saw people of different cultures, spoke different languages, I ate different foods. And best of all I did it with my friends at my side... I'll never forget how we befriended one of the security guards at our hotel. It was three in the morning, and being the people we are, we couldn't sleep despite being thoroughly exhausted for the days activities. So, we head to the lobby to chat with our friend. With a smile he asks us if we want to have some fun and see something cool. Without hesitation, we respond with a resounding "hell yeah!"

So, all five of us squeeze into the obscenely small elevator. And to the 21st floor we go. It's were the cocktail lounge is, that has now been closed for at least three hours. So we enter, into the darkness, only a few small lamps giving light to the eloquent room.

"Follow me," says our good friend.

Before us is a door that reads "For VIPs Only." We go up a small set of stairs to find ourselves in a secluded section of the restaurant. And before, in perfect view is the entire skyline of Manhattan. Empire State Building, and Brooklyn Bridge and everything in between. We sat in serene silence for what seemed like an eternity. Perfect, and breathless.

Fast forward to the end of February 2008.

I've finally graduated from the hell that I found to be high school. I'm free to explore the world, and have already started by taking a six week trip to Scotland and Ireland. I'm now $30,000 in debt for the student loan I took out to attend nothing other than the New York Film Academy in my dream land, New York City. I start my screenwriting class right away in March, then I will start an acting class June. I'm on top of the world. I've found the true love of my life, a beautiful girl that I would give anything for. If I can just go through this summer of schooling, I'll be back and I'll take on the world and all it has to offer.

After a hard good bye to all my friends, family, and love, I'm on the plane. My mother with to help carry the massive amount of luggage and make sure my first few days in the city go well. Finally the plane lands and I'm back. I'm back in my dream land. My playground of greatness. The possibilities once again flying by with the rush hour traffic. After some technical difficulties with getting into my apartment, meeting my new roommate, all is set. I was finally on my own. I said to goodbye to my mother, and took the train back into Brooklyn confident in what the future held in store. It was a rollercoaster ride there between getting lost on the subway, exploring my neighborhood with my roommate, dealing with neighbors who had barking dogs and more.

Slowly though, the rollercoaster began to lose control. I had had a history of sleep troubles in the past that were slowly growing worse and worse. I was becoming more and more stressed with school work. I was finding that despite being in one of the largest cities, I was increasingly bored, as everything was so damn expensive. But most of all I was increasingly losing contact with my friends. Then it happened.

Not even a month had passed, as it turns out, when I got a phone call from my girlfriend. It was over. I no longer could look forward to seeing her when I was to return home for a visit in May. Suddenly the weight of the entire world collapsed on top of me. To make matters worse, the weather in the city was acting strange and we had a cold snap like nothing I'd experienced before. Everything turned dark, and dreary. I had gotten what I wanted. I become a nameless face in the crowd. My roommate, although a good guy, wasn't the friend I needed. Not like my friends I had back home, friends I'd known my entire life. Friends, that had they been there would've known exactly what to say and do to get me back on my feet. But like I said, I had gotten what I wanted, I was entirely on my own. Alone in the city I'd spent nights dreaming about.

I began to question everything. Had I made the right decision? How would things gone had I not left? Where else could I have gone? I hated school, and the thought of a traditional college made me sick to my stomach. Who was I really? How was I going to get myself out of this without anyone to lean on?

I stopped working on my school work. I was to have finished my screenplay, and I managed to only write half. I didn't go out...I didn't have anyone to go out with. Instead I sat in front of my laptop hoping somebody to talk to would come online. Or I'd write poetry and prose like nobody's business. Then May came around and it was time for me to move into a new apartment as my lease was up.

From the second I stepped into the building I felt more at home than I did in the studio apartment. Despite the place being a complete mess from a party my roommates had thrown a few days before I moved in, I felt more at home. More at peace. But I still felt alone and stuck in a dead end. I just now had a room of my own to hide in. I continued to just sit in front of my computer and write my feelings down and talk to whoever was online at the time. Then at the end of May, I was to go home for two weeks to visit.

It was graduation for all of my friends younger than me. Originally I had intend the purpose of this visit exclusively to see my girlfriend...but now we weren't even speaking to each other. Another problem arose. I had to stay at home with my parents. Here I had been on my own for a number of months and yet my father felt compelled to try and tell me what to do, and when to be home, etc. I almost when crazy. There was much I was glad to return to, such as my motorcycle, my favorite coffee shop, the small handful of close friends I cared for dearly. But in the grand scheme of it all, I was no more happier there than I was in New York. I no longer knew where it was I belonged. Then it came time to say goodbye, again. I boarded the plane and flew into the sun. Back to the ocean of faces, that stared blankly as the train pulled into the station. Then it happened...

I started acting classes. I finally felt at home. My calling was brought to my attention again. I was having fun. I was expressing myself, and using my creativity to it's fullest extent and then some. Best of all I was meeting new people, and making friends. I began to get to know my roommates better. I started going out and exploring the city again. My dream land that turned waste land had finally becoming a new, reimagined dream land. I managed to patch things up with my girlfriend so that we were able to speak to one another again. And despite a few road blocks between us, we over came our difference and managed to become friends again. I even scored a date with a new girl, and went to some awesome concerts. One of my friends from home was visiting another friend and I was able to hang out with them and have a good time.

The city became mine again. I knew my way around, I knew where I like to go. I knew what I could do on a Friday night. I attended parties, I saw things that'll forever be burned into my mind, not necessarily in a good way but with a certain hit of gratitude definitely. I met great people that I'll never forget and learned more in a day of acting classes, not just about acting but about life and humanity, than I learned in my four years of high school.

Now here I sit writing this, remembering all that has occured is a short six months. My classes are coming to an end and in a matter of a few weeks I'll be packing my things and returning to all that I was raised with. It's a bitter sweet feeling, to leave a place that was just becoming your home. I'm not sure how I'll handle the change but when you've got a $30,000 loan to pay off, you don't have much of a choice but to stick to your plan and plow ahead as best you can. I look forward to returning to New York somebody, crashing on the couches of the friends I've made or maybe finally finding a permament residence here. Who knows what'll happen month from now, to a year from now, to several years from now. I do however, know that this was were it began. Where I was formed as a person, and I have the great city of New York to thank. I'll miss it dearly when it comes times to board that plan again, but that's life I suppose...

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